Kids and Low Self-Esteem

Signs of Low Self-Esteem in Children
Make negative self statements
Feel unloved
Appear depressed
Have a "short fuse"
Easily influenced by peers
Blame others and not hold themselves responsible
Act as though they don't care
Give up, avoid, or try new things
Have difficulty making decisions or become "pleasers"

Increase Your Child's Self-Esteem
Provide "unconditional love"
Acknowledge your child's uniqueness, talents, abilities, and skills
Spend "special time" with your child
Provide your child with meaningful jobs
Take time for training (with patience)
Provide encouragement rather than praise
Acknowledge what your child is doing right
Hold realistic expectations of your child
Provide choices
Provide lots of hugs and tell your child you love him/her
Teach your child that mistakes are opportunities to learn
Teach your child how to self soothe
Make sure the message of love comes through in words and deeds
Work on your own self-esteem

The Effects of Parental Anger

Negative effects of parental anger:
Children are more aggressive and non-compliant
Children are less empathetic
Children have poor overall adjustment
Children show more delinquent behavior
More susceptible to depression, eating disorders and alienation

What Parents Can Do:
Keep your stress level down
Give yourself transition time between work and home
Take positive time out for yourself
Watch your negative trigger thoughts
Use calming breathing and relaxation techniques

Hidden Agendas in Relationships:
How Our Responses To Childhood Frustrations Can Surface In Our Adult Relationships

Think back on your life as a small child
1. Who were the people who were most important in your life?

2. What do you remember as their positive qualities?

3. What are the negative qualities that were difficult or painful for you?

4. How did those negative qualities make you feel?

5. How did you respond to these negative feelings?

How Old Childhood Wounds Can Influence Our Choice Of Partners
You've likely heard that your upbringing can seriously affect your adult life and especially your relationships. But have you ever wondered ... How? And is the baggage you're bringing to the table ... Carried over from when you were a kid? Our marriage and family therapist shared how we can try to heal those childhood wounds.

Part 1 - "Uncovering the Hidden Agendas in Relationships ... Our Attempts to Heal Old Childhood Wounds

Making the Unconscious ... Conscious

Think back on your life as a small child...Answer these questions from that small child's perspective (not from your adult perspective)

1. Who were the people who were most important in your life?
(parents, grandparents, siblings, other relatives)

2. What do you remember as their positive qualities that you admired and enjoyed?
(These may continue to be qualities that you admire and enjoy in your partner or others as well as yourself)

3. What are the negative qualities the were difficult or painful for you?
(These will be triggers for you in your current relationships)

4. How did those negative qualities make you feel?
(These feelings may be the ones that come up for you when you are triggered in your current relationships)

6. How did you respond to these negative feelings?
(You may respond in a similar way presently, when you get triggered, in your current relationships)

7. What did you want from these most important individuals in your life... relationally?
(This is probably what you still yearn for in your current
relationships)

Make sure you tune in on March 24th for the second part of this topic!

Ways of Expressing Love
Loving words
Loving time together
Loving gifts
Loving acts
Loving touch

Identifying Your Expression of Love
How do you regularly try to let your partner know you love them?
What do you most often request or desire from your partner?
What does your partner do or fail to do that hurts you?

How To Spend Quality Time with Your Child
Give child your company
Sing with your child
Physical activity
Storytelling
Include Your Child

Positive Discipline Tools
(From: "Positive Discipline" by Jane Nelsen)
Spend special time with your child
Take time for training
Use Positive Time Out
Use logical & natural consequences
(Natural consequences happen naturally. Logical consequences should be Related; Respectful; Reasonable; Revealed beforehand and Helpful)
Involve children in problem solving
See mistakes as opportunities to learn

Use the Three R's of Recovery:
Recognize your mistake
Reconcile: Be willing to say "I'm sorry. I didn't like the way I handled that"
Resolve: Focus on solutions rather than blame)
Make sure the message of love and respect gets through

Tips for Separated or Divorced Parents:
Be kind and generous to each other
Keep your word
Communicate with your ex
Be flexible; be willing to change plans in response to the unexpected
Avoid overindulging your children

Encourage Children's Understanding on Giving:
Help children make baked goods for gifts
Help children collect used clothing and toys to donate
Help children buy gifts with their own money
Volunteer time with your child at senior centers and food banks
Help children show appreciation by sending "thank you" cards

Stages of Grief and Loss
Denial - shock; numb; disbelief; "It's all a bad dream".

Anger - feelings from irritability to "Full on rage"; can be displaced on others

Bargaining - Attempting to make sense of what happened; Trying to understand; Confusion.

Depression- feelings from gloominess to sobbing; Comes in waves "out of the blue" many times.

Acceptance- When can integrate loss into life. May still miss them/ it but are hopeful and looking to the future.

What Parents Can Do To Discourage Sibling Rivalry
Spend one-on-one time with each child on a daily basis.
Don't put children in direct competition with each other.
Find activities that stress group cooperation and teamwork.
Identify each child's unique strengths and talents and encourage those.
Make sure the message of love comes through and that each child is loved for being the unique individual he or she is.
Provide positive reinforcement when children are engaging in cooperative behavior.(or any behavior you want to see continue).
Model appropriate problem solving and conflict resolution skills for your child.

Bullying at a glance:
Up to 25% students are often bullied
Up to 20% bully others frequently
Boys are more likely to bully others
Boys are usually bullied by other boys
Girls are bullied by girls and boys
70% of teachers say they almost always intervene
Only 25% of the students agree with that statement

Signs Your Child Is Being Bullied:
Doesn't want to go to school
Moody or depressed
Change in social behavior
Difficulty sleeping

If Your Child Is Being Bullied:
Validate their feelings
Empathize with them
Empower your child
Enlist the help of school staff
Encourage your child to continue to report bullying

Top 8 Steps for Goal Setting
What identifies you as a person, who are you?
What do you want, and when do you want it by?
Why do you want it, what will it mean to you to achieve      it?
 Make a plan, a step by step plan
Implement the actions
Keep the focus, keep the goal(s) in front of you every       day
Solicit the help of other to hold you accountable
Measure results by listing accomplishments

Prevent labeling child as "shy"
Tell your child about times you felt shy
Show empathy when child is afraid to interact
Model outgoing behavior
Gently expose children to unfamiliar places and people
Prompt children to interact with positive encouragement
Provide positive reinforcement for attempts to interact
Help child practice interacting prior to the situation
Read books about individuals who overcame shyness
Encourage your child to identify and verbally express    their emotions
Coordinate your efforts with teachers and care    providers
If child experiences continued anxiety, consult with your    pediatrician.

Common Stressors
An injury or illness
Life events
Moving
Starting a new job
Having a baby
General concerns
Relationships
Money
Deadlines
Traffic

Identify What's Really Bugging You:
Get organized
Unplug yourself
Take care of yourself
Nutrition
Exercise
Relaxation & sleep

Fitness doesn't need to be a turn-off; make fitness fun.
Update activities the family enjoys anyway to make them fitness optimized. (how to turn Croquet into Power Croquet or Twister into Power Twister)

Make sure family fitness doesn’t become an ad hoc activity. Set aside time for fitness. Many families now plan on weekly family game nights.

Don’t spend time on a workout that doesn’t work. If you’re not a fitness expert, make sure you choose to have the resources available to achieve real results from your family fitness time, such as books, videos, etc.

Take advantage of the resources you have available! Plan seasonal specific workouts to minimize “indoor” time to winter months. hiking, family bike rides, etc.

What Parents Can Do Before the Birth
Stay positive regarding the relationship with the new sibling.

Discuss future fun possibilities

Let the older child help prepare the new baby's room.

Take every opportunity when you see a baby to teach the older child about babies.

Tell them how you prepared for their arrival and what they were like as an infant.

Show them picture books about babies and if appropriate for their age, show them photos and videos of their birth. (there are a number of books to help children adjust to the new babies birth)

Bring child to a prenatal visit. Let them see the sonogram and hear the heartbeat. Introduce them to your obstetrician.

Visit friends who have a new baby.

Check with your hospital about sibling preparation classes and tours.

Follow your child's lead and supply information when asked.

Spend special time with your child and establish routines that you can continue following the babies birth.

Give your child a doll and have them practice holding it like a baby, reminding them to support the head and showing them how to be gentle.

Give them choices and let them choose the outfit the baby comes home in.

How to Stay Cool
Avoid exercising mid-day when the sun is hottest
Check your air conditioner if you have one, now to make sure it is in working order..
Help elderly and other vulnerable people you know have a plan in case there is another heat wave like last year.
Make sure that you have identified where you/they would go to cool off if there is no air conditioning where they live.
Small children and pets should never be left in a car alone
Seek shade when outdoors..

Protect your skin & eyes from the sun.
Use sunscreen with a minimum SPF of 15
Wear wide brimmed hats to protect face and eyes
Wear light weight, light colored clothes.
Wear sunglasses in the sun.

Prevent Disease (West Nile Virus)
Use insect repellant while outdoors when mosquitoes are most active
Don't become a mosquito breeder! Empty standing water
Make sure your screens are in good repair.

Keep Food Safe at Picnics
Keep hot foods hot and cold foods cold.
Wash hands before preparing food and before eating
Eat fresh fruit and vegetables

General Tips for a Healthy Pregnancy:
Eat 80 grams of quality protein a day
Eat lots of green leafy veggies and fresh fruits
Drink 10 to 12 glasses of water a day
Get 8+ hours of sleep; nap when possible
Put your feet up often
Avoid caffeine, excess sugar, and artificial sweeteners
Daily walks or swimming
Stretching or yoga daily
Supportive shoes
B complex vitamins, folic acid, iron and vitamin C

Relief Measures For Nausea In Pregnancy
Deep breathing and relaxation exercises
Have a protein snack before bed or around 4:00am
Get up slowly out of bed
Take a walk everyday
Wear sea bands on both wrists for acupressure points
Anise, cinnamon, or ginger teas
Smelling ginger, lavender or citrus
Increase iron-rich foods and B vitamins in your diet

Relief Measures For Heartburn In Pregnancy:
Eat smaller, more frequent meals (every two hours)
Eat raw almonds
Remain upright for an hour after eating
Sip milk
Avoid spicy or greasy foods, and over eating
Eat something made with vinegar

General Dress Code Guidelines
Bringing sexy back? Not at school.
Clothing must cover shoulders and backs.
No halter tops are allowed.
Skirts must be "of adequate length to assure modesty when the student is seated."
Short-shorts: Most schools practice the "finger tip" rule.
Tank tops: Bras can't be seen under sleeveless shirts.
Some schools say shirt straps must be as wide as three fingers.
No tight-fitting tank tops are allowed.
No sleeves: Some sleeveless shirts are OK for boys, but why risk it?
No undershirts or tank tops.
All footwear would be allowed, even flip-flops and dirty sneakers.
*Some schools dress codes will vary.

The French Door Strore presents tips on window safety.

Window Safety Check List

Signs of Depression
A diagnosis of depression should only be made by a trained medical professional.
Persistent, depressed, sad, anxious or "empty" mood
Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyable, including sex
Restlessness, irritability, or excessive crying
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, pessimism
Sleeping too much or too little, early morning awakening
Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
Decreased energy, fatigue, feeling "slowed down"
Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicidal thoughts
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain

What To Do If You Suspect Depression
Take it seriously ( listen empathetically if a loved one)
Increase physical exercise ( releases neurotransmitters that improve mood)
Maintain a healthy diet
Make sure to get adequate sleep
Eliminate as many stressors as possible
Talk to your doctor about your symptoms
Be willing to consider antidepressant and counseling If suicidal, call 911. (May need to be hospitalized until crisis is over.)

For more information on Positive Discipline:
1-800-456-7770

Time Saving Tips For Time Strapped Parents
Eliminate unrealistic expectations
Use family meetings
Make lists and prioritize tasks
Limit extracurricular activities
Create a baby sitting coop
Car pool
Meals: Make double portions and include older children   in planning and preparation
Housecleaning : Do it together 10 minutes daily and 2   hours once a week
Take time for training
Make time for fun

Ways To Promote Family Closeness
Make every contact with your child positive and  engaging
Establish bedtime rituals
Plan family dinners together
Use weekly family meetings
Block out special time for your child and partner
Keep relationships with grandparents and other  extended family members strong

For more information on Positive Discipline:
1-800-456-7770

Bill Steiner with the Internal Revenue Service will be joining us throughout tax season and is available to answer any tax questions you may have. Just send us an e-mail and he'll try to answer any of your questions.

1. Gather your records in advance
2. Get the right forms
3. Take your time
4. Double-check your math and verify all Social Security numbers
5. Get the fastest refund
6. E-filing is easy
7. Don’t panic

Choose Your Correct Filing Status
There are five filing status options:
1. Single.
2. Married Filing Jointly.
3. Married Filing Separately.
4. Head of Household.
5. Qualifying Widow(er) with Dependent Child.

1-800-829-1040
http://www.irs.gov

Tips to spice up your love life
Treat your partner with respect, love & consideration
Plan a date night a every week
Do positive engaging things every day
Play and use humor
Establish a time each day to talk about your day and how you felt about it
Share your fun fantasies with each other

Communication Techniques to Encourage Closeness
Maintain eye contact
Focus your undivided attention
Listen for feelings
Observe non-verbal communication and body language
Be respectful
Use "I Statements" instead of blaming "You Statements"
Slow down, breathe, and think before you speak
Agree to disagree
Apologize, if appropriate

For more information on Positive Discipline:
1-800-456-7770

Setting Up Chores with Your Child
Know your child's capabilities & limitations
Choose age appropriate chores
Have a family meeting to discuss new system
Make a chore chart & allow child's input to choose chores
Agree to a specific time, deadline &non-verbal reminders
Take time for training
Positive reinforcement

Effective Follow Through
Stay calm, kind and firm
Use agreed upon non-verbal reminder
Keep comments simple and concise
In response to objections, ask, " What was our agreement?"
When child concedes to keep agreement, say, "Thank you for keeping our agreement"

Positive Discipline Organization
1-800-456-7770

For a short trip use the 3-1-1 for carry-ons
Know the exceptions.
Get to the airport in plenty of time.
Wear footwear that can be easily removed.
Avoid packing fragile or valuable items in your checked baggage.
Know the rules of traveling with a firearm.
Protect your memories.
Use a TSA-accepted lock with all locked bags.
Leave your holiday gifts unwrapped until you reach your destination.
Don't overstuff bags.
Use a zip-top plastic bag for more than just liquids.
Arrive at the checkpoint prepared.

http://www.sacairports.org
http://www.tsa.gov

Tips to Reduce Stress - Parents:
Take care of yourself emotionally.
Reduce unnecessary stressors.
Eliminate unnecessary activities
Encourage open lines of communication
Pay attention to your child's mood & listen
Plan brief shopping outings with young children.
Avoid an abundance of gifts
Find time to play & have fun
Let the message of love come through

Tips To Reduce Stress For Single Parents:
Be flexible with schedules
Be respectful of other parent. Avoid alienation.
Keep children out of the middle
If you will not have the children on the actual holiday:
Plan your own fun celebration with them on a different day
Spend the day doing something for yourself

Tips to Make The Holiday Positive & Special:
Ask your children what Traditions and Rituals they enjoy
Create new Traditions and Rituals
Create a ritual of "Remembering" for missing friends/family
Plan events that teach children the meaning of caring, giving and sharing
Let the message of love come through

Positive Time Out Results
(Helping children feel good)

Helps children:
Learn self-discipline
Self confidence & control
Feel empowered
Maintain a healthy self esteem
Become motivated from an inner locus of control (as opposed to control from others)
Learn skills to solve problems and improve behavior
Feel belonging and significance

Punishment Results
(Making children feel bad/suffer)
Resentment - “This is unfair I can’t trust adults.”
Revenge - “They are winning now, but, I’ll get even.”
Rebellion - “I’ll do just the opposite to prove I don’t have to do it their way.”
Retreat into:
a. Sneakiness - “I won’t get caught next time.”
b. Reduced Self Esteem - “I’m a bad person.”

Preparing for Positive Time Out
Make sure you are calm.
Model calming down for your child when needed.
Help your child choose a place for Positive Time Out
and pick things to help them feel better.
Explain how it will work in the future and ask for their
suggestion regarding how they would like you to help with their calming down when they need it. (ie: with a hug or playing calming music)
Let them know that they will decide when they feel good
enough to behave in ways that will be beneficial to them and others.
When Positive time Out is needed, treat your child with dignity and respect

Before you go On The Outing
Know your child's capabilities
Educate your child
Practice at home
Bring quiet toys and snacks
Plan breaks and fun stops
Discuss consequences if they forget the "rules"
Take care of physical needs first

During The Outing
Provide positive reinforcement
Make it a game or give them a fun task
Provide limited choices when possible
Redirect behavior with kindness and firmness
Help them calm down
Be prepared to leave if necessary

Child's Mistaken Goal:
Undue Attention
How Parent Feels
Annoyed, irritated, worried, guilty
Child's Mistaken Belief
I count or belong only when I'm being noticed or getting special service.

Child's Mistaken Goal:
Power
How Parent Feels:
Angry, challenged, threatened, challenged
Child's Mistaken Belief:
I belong only when I'm boss or in control, or proving no one can boss me. You can't make me.

Child's Mistaken Goal:
Revenge
How Parent Feels:
Hurt, disappointed, disbelieving, disgusted
Child's Mistaken Belief:
I don't think I belong so I'll hurt others as I feel hurt. I can't be liked or loved.

Child's Mistaken Goal:
Assumed Inadequacy
How Parent Feels:
Despair, hopeless, helpless, inadequate
Child's Mistaken Belief:
I don't believe I can belong, so I'll convince others not to expect anything of me. I am helpless and unable; it's no use trying because I won't do it right.

For More Information on Positive Discipline:
Empowering People:
1-800-456-7770
http://www.positivediscipline.com